Vinay K. Prasad is an American hematologist-oncologist and health researcher. He is Professor of Epidemiology and Biostatistics at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF)] He is the author of the books Ending Medical Reversal (2015) and Malignant (2020). He is angry with us, just read.
I have COVID19.
And it's your fault.
Dear readers,
After 3 years of faithfully covering COVID 19 from my side of a zoom meeting, doing everything right, the worst news imaginable recently struck. (See photo). I have COVID! But the most important thing you need to know: it is completely your fault!
How did I get COVID?
I got it from a "Make America Great Again" (MAGA) Republican!
I was playing with my phone at a party, wearing a tight-fitting n95 and glasses, as I have been doing for 2 years, and will do for another 45 years, when a MAGA republican approached me with drinks. I could tell he was MAGA because he didn't laminate his vaccination card and tie it to a string to wear around his neck.
"Would you like a drink?"
"No, I can't" I mumbled through my mask.
"Why are you wearing a mask?" he asked.
"Because I voted for Biden," I replied.
"What's underneath?" he asked.
"That's a cloth mask to keep my mask clean," I said.
"Where's your face shield?" he asked.
"Here," I said as I raised my hand, but there was nothing. Waves of panic began to fill my chest, where had the splash guard gone?
Apparently, another MAGA republican had stolen it from me when I wasn't paying attention. They are not only sneaky, who invited so many to the party, I thought?
"The potion is here if you want one," he said, set it down and walked away.
Later, when I was overcome with thirst, I decided to take a sip of water. I went to the doorway. First, I carefully unwrapped a syringe that I had kept in my pocket. Still cold, I thought, and I boosted myself with the latest bivalent booster.
I waited for a strong gust of wind, pushed my n95 aside and carefully took a sip of water. But then someone drove up in a Dodge Ram pickup truck with a large American flag on the bumper. The license plate was from Indiana. He looked my way and said, "How are you? Lovely weather here in SF!" I was scared! Then he coughed or cleared his throat. And that was exactly the moment I got COVID19.
Don't believe me?
The only other place I could get it was on a plane. I was reading the New York Times about the tripledemic – that's the word they use to describe normal life – when this passage caught my eye. A fellow COVID expert knew exactly the moment she got the sars-cov-2 virus, and just like me, it was on a plane. The New York Times has good fact-checkers, so it must be 100% accurate that this expert knows exactly when she got COVID. Just like me.
I was just carefully eating a bag of brownies when someone with an American flag hat started coughing. Then I got COVID19.
Or it was the week after we exposed schoolchildren. I was in a convenience store, and many poured in, bought snacks, and breathed. Some even laughed at the joy of youth! How dare they! That was the moment I got COVID. Yes, they were too young to vote, but I suspected they were future Republicans by the way they casually chatted about hawkish foreign policy.
Anyway: I only got COVID because of something YOU did. You didn't take it seriously enough and you made me sick. It's your fault, and I hate you.
Of course, I was also present at the party #ASH22 where 30,000 blood cancer doctors met maskless for days, but I couldn't get Covid there because everyone was a registered democrat!
In case it wasn't already clear, I don't have COVID, and this is satire. I also didn't go to the Miami Night party at ASH, but I wish I had – looks nice. I have attended many other parties that were similar. No one wore masks. If anyone has a photo of me wearing a mask (I don't think they exist, but I'm not sure), email me, I'll pay for all copies. I have to have it destroyed. I would find those photos embarrassing.
-VP
0 reactions