Vinay K. Prasad is an American hematologist-oncologist and health researcher. He is Professor of Epidemiology and Biostatistics at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF)] He is the author of the books Ending Medical Reversal (2015) and Malignant (2020). He is angry with us, just read.
I have COVID19.
And it's your fault.
Dear readers,
After 3 years of faithfully covering COVID 19 from my side of a zoom meeting, doing everything right, the worst news imaginable recently struck. (See photo). I have COVID! But the most important thing you need to know: it is completely your fault!
How did I get COVID?
Ik kreeg het van een "Make America Great Again" (MAGA) republikein!
I was playing with my phone at a party, wearing a tight-fitting n95 and glasses, as I have been doing for 2 years, and will do for another 45 years, when a MAGA republican approached me with drinks. I could tell he was MAGA because he didn't laminate his vaccination card and tie it to a string to wear around his neck.
"Wil je wat drinken?"
"Nee ik kan niet" mompelde ik door mijn masker heen.
"Waarom draag je een masker?" vroeg hij.
"Omdat ik op Biden heb gestemd," antwoordde ik.
"Wat zit daaronder?" vroeg hij.
"Dat is een stoffen masker om mijn masker schoon te houden" zei ik.
"Waar is je gezichtsscherm?" vroeg hij.
"Hier," zei ik terwijl ik mijn hand naar boven stak, maar er was niets. Golven van paniek begonnen mijn borstkas te vullen, waar was het spatscherm gebleven?
Apparently, another MAGA republican had stolen it from me when I wasn't paying attention. They are not only sneaky, who invited so many to the party, I thought?
"Het drankje staat hier als je er een wilt," zei hij, zette het neer en liep weg.
Later, when I was overcome with thirst, I decided to take a sip of water. I went to the doorway. First, I carefully unwrapped a syringe that I had kept in my pocket. Still cold, I thought, and I boosted myself with the latest bivalent booster.
Ik wachtte op een flinke windvlaag, schoof mijn n95 opzij en nam voorzichtig een slokje water. Maar toen kwam er iemand aanrijden in een Dodge Ram pick-up truck met een grote Amerikaanse vlag op de bumper. Het kenteken was van Indiana. Hij keek mijn kant op en zei: "Hoe gaat het? Heerlijk weer hier in SF!" Ik was bang! Toen hoestte of schraapte hij zijn keel. En dat was precies het moment dat ik COVID19 kreeg.
Don't believe me?
The only other place I could get it was on a plane. I was reading the New York Times about the tripledemic - that's the word they use to describe normal life - when this passage struck me. A fellow COVID expert knew the exact moment she contracted the SARS-COV-2 virus, and like me, it was on a plane. The New York Times has good fact-checkers, so it must be 100% correct that this expert knows exactly when she got COVID. Just like me.
I was just carefully eating a bag of brownies when someone with an American flag hat started coughing. Then I got COVID19.
Or it was the week after we exposed schoolchildren. I was in a convenience store, and many poured in, bought snacks, and breathed. Some even laughed at the joy of youth! How dare they! That was the moment I got COVID. Yes, they were too young to vote, but I suspected they were future Republicans by the way they casually chatted about hawkish foreign policy.
Anyway: I only got COVID because of something YOU did. You didn't take it seriously enough and you made me sick. It's your fault, and I hate you.
Of course, I was also present at the party #ASH22 where 30,000 blood cancer doctors met maskless for days, but I couldn't get Covid there because everyone was a registered democrat!
In case it wasn't clear, I don't have COVID, and this is satire. I didn't go to the Miami Night party at ASH either, but I wish I had - looks fun. I have attended many other parties that were similar. No one wore masks. If anyone has a photo of me wearing a mask (I don't think they exist, but I'm not sure), email me and I'll pay for all the copies. I have to have it destroyed. I would find those photos embarrassing.
-VP
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